running through a cloud of steam

my mind is a vivid theater of emotions and colors, but when these colors fade into various shades of black and white and greys - that's when i find myself the most awake. like a lot of us, i've fallen into the pit of despair more than once - they call it depression, but i feel like i should find a term better suited for myself because we all deal with it differently. is that a dangerous statement to make? perhaps, however i don't want to dive too much into it just yet. when i suffer from these notions of no sleep, my mind wraps around this idea that i have to constantly work. the thing is - my work brings me stress as much as it does me joy and thus, i'm venturing onto these different yellow brick roads that can either lead to the wizard or towards the wicked witch of the east.

i think about love and how i'm obsessed with the idea of it, how one day i want to be able to explain it with words because people always have the hardest time doing so. most nights, i ponder how broken my heart is, and yet how wonderfully it's healing. the human body and the human spirit are such tough jades to break, it's amazing how both can rejuvenate themselves given a little tender care. however, i wonder how much pressure both can take before i completely falter. there are times where maybe i teeter on the edge, where i want to allow myself to fall off the cliff just to see how long it'll take me to come back up again but i'm afraid, you see? because even the most curious of hearts aren't courageous enough to dive that deep.

sometimes, when the clock strikes 4 and it stares at me with its judging red light - i think about the various lives i must have lived. a musician, a toy maker, a storyteller, a horse tamer -- the prospects of a humble upbringing and a passion to keep me propelling forward is something i like to think that is a consistent theme throughout my life. i also wonder how i've met my end in these lives; did i die naturally? did i die happily? was i met with tragedy? a string cut too soon? perhaps i could write a novel about these... each chapter containing a different part of me.

multiple personalities.

gemini.

stars and constellations, planets and the big one we call jupiter. jupiter has been filling my mind as of late. rings spinning around with moons keeping it from feeling too lonely. it's beautiful. i think i could really fall in love with jupiter, if it'll let me.

when the night sky watches over me, there are times where i get really lonely. when the hustle and bustle of every day settles, when everyone's gone to sleep, when twitter shuts down for the night - i let myself cry. sometimes for no reason at all other besides the fact that i'm a baby. sometimes i wonder if i should man up a little bit, but i feel like i've already been so independent thus far that i need to be coddled a little bit. doted a little bit.

i feel useless otherwise. however my friends never let me feel useless for too long. friendships and bonds, strings of fate in all different colors; red, pink, orange, baby blue. i wonder if i cling on too tightly. if i suffocate those around me with the same compliments over and over and over again. they're never shallow to me, these words and relationships that i hold so dear. though i wonder sometimes if it might feel shallow to others.

.. i think i have a little more faith than that, though. in my friends, my loved ones, those all around me. my heart believes so.

these things are things that run through my head consistently. things that keep me up at night. thoughts both good and bad, though never really one or the other. just kind of lingering in the in-between.

a balance.

balance needs to be thought about a lot. is thought about a lot.

❛ʜᴏᴡ's ᴍʏ ᴅʀɪᴠɪɴɢ?❜

hello! we figured we'd throw one of these up since na ungjae has been around since dec. 2016 and it felt like a good time to see what he can improve on - if there's anything! since he's still pretty much a baby in terms of muse livelihood, i'm still very much trying to get him together in a solid form. any feedback is appreciated, all comments are screened. thank you for your time ^^!